Totally Narced

2006-07-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

Top 10 Reasons Why Divers Should Not Take Viagra:

10. It increases your drag.

9. Your wetsuit is already tight enough.

8. Because a guy could really get hurt if he had to drop his weight belt.

7. 1 pill to get you up, 20 pounds of lead to get you down.

6. Two words: fire coral.

5. You could accidentally penetrate a wreck.

4. You would constantly be searching for blowfish.

3. It increases your risk of entanglement.

2. Risk of "inappropriate" contact with the reef.

1. Divers aren't supposed to rise quickly.

2006-06-26T13:03:00.000+08:00

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear While in the Recompression Chamber

10) Mind if I smoke?

9) Did you pay the electric bill this month?

8) What do you mean, "It's going to blow."

7) What happens if I push this button?

6) Your insurance doesn't cover dive accidents. Is this going to be cashor charge?

5) What's that coming out of his ear?

4) Hey, your eyes look a little bulgy.

3) Is your head normally that small?

2) The chamber tech on duty gets to pick the music. It's Engelbert HumperdinkWednesday!

1) "We've secretly replaced this diver's recompression mix with Nescafe Instant!. Let's see if he can tell the difference."

2006-06-15T18:52:00.000+08:00

A poem....

In days of old

When divers were cold

And before dry suits were invented

The best latrine was neoprene

Especially if it was rented

2006-06-15T18:44:00.000+08:00

Classic things Instructors say ...

What part of this did you understand?

You couldn't make it to class because your what died?

I see......, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy

Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!

You should've been here last week, the vis was great

You didn't see the whale shark?

You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!

Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!

Don't worry about this dive unless:
---You hear the theme music from JAWS
---You see someone's foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
---All the fish on the reef disappear
---You see the boat pass you as you're going down the shot line.

2006-06-15T18:35:00.000+08:00

SUPER SIZE ME!

You know you need to lose weight when remoras start hanging around you.

You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a shore dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.

You know you need to loose weight when your buddies put their lights on as you enter the water

2006-06-07T18:31:00.000+08:00

Top 10 Signs Your Dive Buddy Isn't as Experienced as He Claims to Be ....

10) His octopus really is one.

9) He asks, "Which one of these thingies goes in my mouth?"

8) He offers to carry everybody's gear down to the dock.

7) He thinks BC is a comic strip about a caveman.

6) He says, "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that tingling feeling, then I know it's time to surface."

5) His mother has to buy air for him.

4) He's upset when you tell him that his dive computer doesn't run Windows '95.

3) He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.

2) He argues vehemently that Nitrox was a monster who battled Godzilla.

1) He says he learned everything he knows about diving from James Bond movies.

2006-06-07T18:25:00.000+08:00

Top ten signs that you have been diving too much

10) You have to put your total number of dives in scientific notation.

9) You look back at your logbooks and realize you've spent more time at decompression then at work.

8) You're permanently prune-figured.

7) Your dive log is available on Amazon.com.

6) You have named all the nudi branches on your favourite wreck.

5) You worry that your office elevator is ascending too quickly.

4) You've stopped logging your dives because it's easier to just log your surface intervals.

3) Your "time to fly" is measured in months.

2) Your picture appears on fish identification tables.

1) You clear your ears prior to stepping on a down escalator.

2006-06-07T18:02:00.000+08:00

See ya' soon...

Paul and Roland were best friends and long-time dive buddies. One evening they were relaxing over a few post-dive brews. As the beer and the conversation flowed, they began discussing the afterlife. As they talked, they began to wonder if there would be any diving in heaven. They made a pact that when one of them died, the other would somehow get word to the survivor as to the dive situation in the hereafter.

Sadly, Paul was eaten by a Great White Shark two weeks later. Roland was very depressed by the loss of his friend and didn't return to the water for TWO WHOLE DAYS! But the third day was a Saturday, and the seas were calm, so he figured his pal Paul would want him back below the surface. So he loaded up the gear and headed to the ocean for a solo shore dive. As he was gearing up, Paul appeared. Shocked, Roland stammered, "I thought you were sharkbait."
Paul responded, "I am, but don't you remember our pact? I'm here to let you know what it's like in heaven.

I bring you both good news and bad news. The good news is that there is indeed diving in heaven, and it is fabulous. The boa trides are short, there's never a current and no surge. The water is warm. The coral reef is far more beautiful than any we've seen on earth. There is constant interaction with large creatures, but at the same time the macro life is amazing. And since you're at such a high altitude, you have unlimited bottom time."

Roland responded, "Man that sounds absolutely incredible. With things that great how could there possibly be any bad news?"
And Paul replied, "We'll be dive buddies again tomorrow."

2006-06-07T17:52:00.000+08:00

How did he do that?...

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 12 meters below, when he noticed a guy at the same depth , but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 12 meters, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below another 8 meters, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out his slate, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the slate, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,....

"I'm drowning, you moron!"

2006-06-06T10:56:00.000+08:00

Diving Thoughts....

1.Every dive is optional. Every ascent is mandatory.

2.Diving isn't dangerous. Drowning is what's dangerous.

3.It's always better to be up here wishing you were down there than be down there wishing you were up here.

4.The ONLY time you have too much air is when you're on the surface.

5.The regulator is just a big valve at the top of the tank used to keep the diver cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the diver startsweating.

6.Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

7.The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the speed of arrival at surface. High speed of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

8.Never let your dive gear take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

9.Always try to keep the number of ascents you make equal to the number of descents you've made.

10.There are three simple rules for making a no bubble deco dive.Unfortunately no-one knows what they are.

11.You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

12.In the ongoing battle between bubbles made of air expanding fasterthan flesh and blood, the air has yet to lose.

13.Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experienceusually comes from bad judgment.

14.It's always a good idea to keep the regulator in your mouth as much as possible.

15.The three most useless things to a diver are the spare cylinder on the boat, computer with no battery and those missed deco stops back in the water.

17.There are old divers and there are bold divers. There are, however,no old bold divers.

Add your dive thoughts.... post!

2006-06-06T10:46:00.000+08:00

The Atheist and the Shark

A diver surfaced after a great dive and is swimming back to his boat when he sees a shark behind him in the water. He starts swimming faster but when he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.

He's scared to death, and screems out "Oh God! Save me!"

Suddenly time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God says, "Aren't you an atheist? Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you. But can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish."

The light retracts back into the heavens and the atheist looks back to see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him when, all of sudden, the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man believes he has been saved as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

2006-06-06T10:38:00.000+08:00

Late Night Skinny Dipping

This diver fellow owned a home on Subic bay in the Phillippines for several years.
He built a nice beach set up with dive shop, picnic tables, horse shoe courts and a beach volleyball court. The beach was perfect for snorkeling . Your typical resort

One evening on his way down to his beach to head out for a night dive, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he got closer, by the full moon light, he saw group of young women skinny dipping. He whistled to make the women aware of his presence and they all went out to deeper water.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied,
"That's OK, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny dipping, I just came to feed my sharks!"

2006-06-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

The Shark...

Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark.
The shark circled them, menacingly.
They both surfaced and one diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super- power fins.

His buddy said: What? You can't out swim a shark!

The other diver replied: I don't have to out swim the shark - I only have to out swim you!

2006-06-06T10:26:00.000+08:00

SSI vs NAUI vs PADI

There were three instructors and their students on board a dive boat heading out for their first dive of the day. One is a NAUI instructor, one a PADI instructor and the other an SSI instructor.
They pass over the reef line off Islamorada and head north. Everything is going fine until the boat hits a submerged log, springs a leak and starts to sink.

The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in pretty deep water so we might as well do our deep dive."

The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards the Alligator Reef Lighthouse."

The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for an $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

The all new Diver's Dictionary

2006-05-30T10:39:00.000+08:00

Contribute to the Diver's Dictionary!

I saw this idea a long time ago and thought it'd be a great idea for our website. If everyone could come up with a couple of definitions for scuba related equipment. ...For example...

WET SUIT- Exactly what a diver does when the cold and caffeine kick in.

SPARE AIR- The air left in your buddies' tank.

BOAT DIVING- A complex task because boats usually don't dive.

MAX DEPTH- Your actual depth minus 20m. Used when describing your dive profile to the dive instructor.

So give us your best ideas! We'll collect them and post the final version when we get a good sized list.... Here's my original one

Underwater Digital photography - Man's feeble attempt to swim after a fish (duh) to get nothing more than a blur that can later be photoshopped to rival National Geographic Photos.

-Paul

2006-05-28T21:25:00.000+08:00

You spin me right round baby, right round like a record player, right round. round. round.......

Just add a bit o Pine Sol TM and wash those smelly " pee " odours away. The only way to get " narced" without the risk of bubble formation....

***NOTE " Soap bubbles may form..." but have not been clinically proven to harm the diver.

2006-05-28T21:03:00.000+08:00

One Cool Cat!

What's new Pussycat? .......

PADI FELINE DIVER CERT.
Introducing the all new OWSD cert. for your feline friends. Now available at your nearest 5 Star PADI resort. PADI " The way the world learns to dive, ...oh yeah and cats too."

Now That's hockey!

2006-05-28T07:19:00.000+08:00

Welcome all:

This is our very first post!

This site is dedicated to providing the very best in Dive Humor, a topic that doesn't seem to get a big enough slice of the internet pie.

Send us your "dive related " humor for all to see !